Apostles Confirm That Church Is Best In Modernist America



(The following is a fictional and satirical news article).

HEAVEN - (AP) What for years has been rumored and speculated has finally been confirmed: the Church, as in the worldwide assembly of followers of Jesus Christ and believers in the canonized Bible, is best meant for and aligned with Modernist American culture. This is according to several heavenly interviews with the very founders of the early Church themselves, such as Peter, Luke, and Paul. We sat down with them and asked, Why is Christianity at its best in Modernist America?


“Well, there’s the technology,” said Paul. “I wouldn’t have had to travel at all. I could have gathered several servant-hearted [unpaid] men to install satellite campuses all across the Roman Empire, and I could have just preached the Gospel from a hide-out, before I got found, once again, by Caesar’s troops or others. But I had to do the best with what I had, which meant I needed to travel a lot, engage cultures and people on individual bases, and train leaders in every place I went. It was a lot of time and work that may not have been necessary.”


Peter chimed in. “It’s great that, after more than 1,000 years of imperialism, slavery and cultural appropriation in the name of God, the Church of the West has finally cracked the code, through technology and statistics, for preaching the transcendent Gospel. I mean, it’s like we didn’t even need most of what the Holy Spirit did for us at Pentecost!”


Luke, a doctor, added, “Never have I seen the American Church so trusting in science. I mean, they question science when it comes to things like Earth origins, sex education, and climate change. But when it comes to growing a ‘campus church’ and producing a ‘high-rated worship experience,’ the Church of Modernist America has found the scientific formula. No Christian leaders in ancient Rome could have ever imagined that discipleship, spiritual growth and the general work of the Holy Spirit could be measured in numerical format.”


“Numbers are the key,” Peter returned. “Where would the Church be without the capitalist business model that omits relational components of ministry and gives worldly incentives for high numbers? Not too many people abuse their power, after all. There aren’t any more Neros in the world. You guys have found a way to live as Christians without the trials and afflictions in the world that Jesus predicted, and that’s great!”


“Absolutely,” Paul agreed. “America was largely founded by religious rationalists who wanted to establish a country where all men are created equal and have the ability to worship without government persecution. So, I can assume that the Christians of America, like the Christians in ancient Rome, quietly cared for the poor, sick and oppressed, no matter who they were. You guys have much more socio-political advantage and opportunity than we did in Rome. I can only hope that the white Christians of America don’t assume some sort of exclusiveness of faith in Christ or ministerial wisdom.”


Luke shuddered, remembering his past pain of marginalization as a Gentile. Paul respectfully paused, then continued.


“What Peter, Luke, myself and others built in the Church in the Roman Empire, with the power of God, was considered the greatest religious growth in history. But if we had the technology, knowledge and wisdom that’s now possessed by Christian leaders in Modernist America, maybe we could have done more.”

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